My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
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It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
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If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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