Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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