Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
