Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
