you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
