Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
