i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
