My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
