I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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