Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
