I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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