Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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