My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
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