I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
