Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
