Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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