Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
