Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
