Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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