We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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