You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
