just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
