Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Randomize
