I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
