Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Randomize
