my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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