oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
