Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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