Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
