I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
