My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
