if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
