I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
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