How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
