He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Randomize
