he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
