Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
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I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
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I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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