My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
