so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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