the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Randomize
