dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
