I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize