I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
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