I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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