It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
