I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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