The best revenge is premature balding
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
you told grandpa to call you daddy
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
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