It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
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Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
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Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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