i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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