I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
is that a dick in a sweater?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
