I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
