He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Randomize
