Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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