i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
