Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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