Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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