I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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