Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
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Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
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I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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