I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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